In life and in leadership, we are constantly dealing with duality.
To learn, we need to be curious. To lead, we need to have followers. To be strong, we need to be vulnerable. To give, we need to receive.
As twenty-first century leaders, we need to understand that we are moving toward a NEW ethic, one that is built on duality.
In the OLD way of thinking, we based our leadership on a set of shared values and principles aimed at achieving moral perfection while maintaining social order and well being.
What got left behind in the old approach are the things that we are coming to value and seek out in the NEW: authenticity, vulnerability, unity.
The old approach was built on the duality of contradictory opposites. In or out. Black or white. Right or wrong. We divided things, labeled them, decided their value.
In the new ethics of leadership opposites are about reconciling.
The foundation is a concept of opposites that are contrary but not contradictory, that exist as points on a spectrum—not black and white, but darkness AND light.
Instead of choosing one and rejecting the other, we accept both, we live with both, we seek to know both.
To lead us to our truth in our living and leadership we must approach life as a series of dualities, to let go of our anxiety of having to be all on one side or the other.
It’s a challenge, because we as leaders love taking sides, making decisions, and feeling prepared.
But there are things you can do to learn to live with duality:
Be patient with yourself: It’s challenging to bump up against the dualities of existence. Give yourself time and space to adjust your thinking.
Trust yourself: Have faith in your intuition and stay within the moment, believing that you will find what you seek.
Acknowledge the duality: Free yourself to concentrate on pursuing what is appropriate in each moment.
Hold the tension: When you find yourself in discomfort from duality, don’t bury the tension but hold it and give your consciousness a chance to work through it.
State a preference: You know what you want for yourself and for those you lead. Stand up for the values and dignities of your heart and watch the shadows lighten.
Do opposites exist? Yes.
Do we struggle with dualities? Yes.
Do we need these dualities? Yes.
Lead from Within: Life is changing, and our leadership must change too. The more we acknowledge our truth, the more we understand ourselves and others.
N A T I O N A L B E S T S E L L E R
The Leadership Gap: What Gets Between You and Your Greatness
After decades of coaching powerful executives around the world, Lolly Daskal has observed that leaders rise to their positions relying on a specific set of values and traits. But in time, every executive reaches a point when their performance suffers and failure persists. Very few understand why or how to prevent it.
Additional Reading you might enjoy:
- 12 Successful Leadership Principles That Never Grow Old
- A Leadership Manifesto: A Guide To Greatness
- How to Succeed as A New Leader
- 12 of The Most Common Lies Leaders Tell Themselves
- 4 Proven Reasons Why Intuitive Leaders Make Great Leaders
- The One Quality Every Leader Needs To Succeed
- The Deception Trap of Leadership
Photo Credit: Getty Images
Of Lolly’s many awards and accolades, Lolly was designated a Top-50 Leadership and Management Expert by Inc. magazine. Huffington Post honored Lolly with the title of The Most Inspiring Woman in the World. Her writing has appeared in HBR, Inc.com, Fast Company (Ask The Expert), Huffington Post, and Psychology Today, and others. Her newest book, The Leadership Gap: What Gets Between You and Your Greatness has become a national bestseller.
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37 Responses
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May 16, 2013
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Martina
14. May, 2013
Good post, as always Lolly.
Yes, the way forward in our lives and in our leadership lies in honest assessment and acceptance of the light and dark that exists within us and in the world. The better we can “see” the world and people as they truly are, and the highest form of what they are capable of becoming, the better plans and calls to action we can make. We can find ways to honor the heart, and soul, of our leadership while continuing to honor others.
lollydaskal
14. May, 2013
Jung speaks so eloquently on the subject of our dualities.
We need both to lead, we need both to honor ourselves.
Jon Mertz
14. May, 2013
Spot on points, Lolly. We need to embrace the duality, thinking it through and then selected a path to lead from within forward. In particular, embracing the tension is what will enable us to get out of our comfort zone and explore the causes of the tensions. This will keep us energized, curious, and growing.
Really like the thoughts in this article, Lolly! Thank you.
Jon
lollydaskal
14. May, 2013
Thanks for your kind words, Jon.
There are dualities in life and in leadership and if we want to be successful we must shine the flashlight on our realities.
When we see ……..we can be seen.
Thanks for stopping by.
Samantha
14. May, 2013
Excellent post Lolly.
And TIMELY!
Learning to embrace the dualities is so important right now. Especially after so much of our conditioning from the past as you mentioned regarding black and white, all or nothing thinking, labeling things and people as either good or evil, right or wrong.
Along those lines, past thinking set us up for so much more shame attacks and hard reaction/resistance tendencies. i.e. if a ‘bad’ thought entered consciousness, this could bring on shame, guilt, label yourself ‘bad’, and as we try NOT to think about something, it’s like telling ourselves to stop thinking about a purple elephant. Difficult to stop doing!
Thanks to the work of Jung and many others since then, we DO get to learn better ways of understanding our dualities. Instead of rejecting them, we can embrace them. Although I still tend to experience the ‘initial’ reactions, etc when things crop up if triggered enough (and yes, different things can still trigger me) I now have a much easier time moving into acceptance instead of trying to instantly ELIMINATE dualities within me when I notice them.
In fact, my next post in my series will be about vulnerability. And sure enough, I’ve been given quite a few opportunities this past month to feel vulnerable! haha And sure enough, my ego does it’s job perfectly in that it does NOT want to feel vulnerable and goes into a fast and furious: shame, guilt, you shouldn’t be feeling that way, etc tirade. Before I can consciously move into….Acceptance.
I accept that I am feeling vulnerable. (for whatever reason)
When I’m not struggling AGAINST feeling vulnerable, then it can simply BE and I can relax enough to explore it to see what it’s trying to tell me.
Great post Lolly.
lollydaskal
14. May, 2013
You make a great point Samantha; when we are not struggling AGAINST feeling vulnerable, then it can simply BE and we can relax enough to explore it to see what it’s trying to tell us…
Also we need both to move forward, we must experience weakness to feel our strength. we must sense struggle to acknowledge our strive!
I feel we are all about two truths and we must find the balance.
Thank you Samantha for your very insightful thought and comment.
Lolly
Sharon Reed
14. May, 2013
Lolly, I love your thoughts on the notion of ‘holding the tension’ as we embrace the duality of leadership and trusting ourselves in the process with patience.
I often refer to this place of tension as leading in the ‘gray’ space; those places in which nothing is black or white and we are challenged to navigate and embrace these dualities of light and shadow, in both ourselves and others. Always easier said than done!
Sharon
lollydaskal
14. May, 2013
The gray space as you call it Sharon is the space of where we know if we are in our heart.
Because it takes heart and patience. Gray is not easy for those of us who have so much to give, so much to do, and so much to learn.
Thanks Sharon for your comment. You know I love your heart and soul.
Lolly
Kent Julian
14. May, 2013
The best principles and practices in life and leadership are usually found in the midst of healthy tension between two positive ideas.
Nice job, Lolly.
lollydaskal
14. May, 2013
Stated beautifully; The best principles and practices in life and leadership are usually found in the midst of healthy tension between two positive ideas.
Thanks for sharing your beautifully stated truth Kent!
Don Jensen
14. May, 2013
Great post! It reminds me of James Allen’s book, “As a Man Thinketh”
Challenged and encouraged by your post!
Thank you,
lollydaskal
17. May, 2013
Don,
Duality is a theme that we have had through out the centuries. I do not know As a Man Thinketh. But I will look into it.
Life is challenge and encouragement just like you stated.
Lolly
Panteli Tritchew
14. May, 2013
The ancient concept of Duality is one we struggle with daily. I’m struck by how early (and often) we are programmed to operate in a Right/Wrong duality from K-12. This is the right answer: checkmark; this is the wrong answer: Xmark. This conditioning can be a lifetime-sentence unless we engage and reflect from within.
“You think [that] because you understand ‘one’ you must understand ‘two’, because one and one makes two. But you must also understand ‘and’.” Ancient Sufi saying
Thanks Lolly! 🙂
lollydaskal
17. May, 2013
Panteli,
I love the SUFI ancient saying thanks so much for sharing.
Love your input.
Lolly
Kaiden
27. Sep, 2014
Your story was really infrvmatioe, thanks!
Name (required)
01. Sep, 2017
Cheers for sharing this (multi-cultural) translation!
Tony Anstatt
john paul
14. May, 2013
Hi Lolly,
Thank you for raising this important leadership principle! That is why i like the Chinese Taoist pinyin symbol because these forces are represented as a single circular/spherical (integrated) whole.
Often when we think of left and right we see this spectrum of opposites as a linear (horizontal) construct. This leads to them or us, right or wrong, left or right thinking. We are at this point on the spectrum and they are way over there on the opposite side.
The reality is that both sides are aspects of the other in a single uniform wholeness. In our darkness we can find light and in our light we can find darkness. In seeing both as aspects of the circle/sphere we can transcend the contrast and see the circle/sphere instead of drawing the line.
Love,
jp
lollydaskal
17. May, 2013
John,
so true when you state, “The reality is that both sides are aspects of the other in a single uniform wholeness. In our darkness we can find light and in our light we can find darkness. In seeing both as aspects of the circle/sphere we can transcend the contrast and see the circle/sphere instead of drawing the line”
Well stated!
Lolly
Garren Fagaragan
14. May, 2013
aloha Lolly…
Intriguing topic…duality. Thank you.
I have a different view…a biased
view on the subject.
Coming from a Dzogchen perspective.
Dualism…separation…me and other
is the problem of all of our suffering.
Our original…primordial nature is
Non dualistic.
How does this relate to leadership?
Authenticity is found in the gaps of
my monkey mind. Who I TRULY am.
The space where non dual nature is
and always has been.
Vulnerability…absolutely.
Imagine discovering that things are not
as solid as they appear to be…
like this concept of Garren…
very threatening…vulnerable.
Unity…from the beginning-less
beginning…there has never been a
separation between me and other. Its
a false notion believed to be true…
that’s why its called ignorance…i
ignoring my true nature.
For me personally… my path is about
recognizing…settling into and abiding i
n this nature.
My objective is to BE and Lead from there…
Lead from Within.
Lolly…thanks again for initiating stimulating
and meaningful dialogue.
lollydaskal
17. May, 2013
The non duality is the bridging of the new leadership.
Garren Fagaragan
28. May, 2013
yes…yes…yes
lollydaskal
28. May, 2013
in order to be successful we need to have new skills in our leadership and the skills we seek are the ones
we dont have to learn because what we need we have within.
As leader connecting to our heart is seeking our own humanity in connecting with each other.
Baba Eric
14. May, 2013
The dualities allows us to perform better both as humans and as leaders. It is the balance that nature also teaches-day and night. There has to be some form of balance in our everyday activities before we can achieve our desired goals. We cannot be the best at what we do without embracing the dualities-the high points and the low points. There are lessons to be learnt in the dualities.
Very inspiring Lolly, thank you.
lollydaskal
17. May, 2013
Baba
Yes it is the balance of nature!
Yes its the balance of everyday activities.
There are many lessons to be learned in duality and we learn them every second of every day of our living.
Lolly
Simon Harvey
14. May, 2013
Lolly,
Love it of course, brain food as alway.
WE ARE NOW HERE yet WE ARE NO WHERE
All this from one small movement of space.
Our concepts of our world, our truths empower our actions. The duality of life is within our very being, we must believe so that we can exist.
As Aristotle said ” Knowing yourself is the beginning of all wisdom.”
To be able to look within with truth, is to start to understand such things as faith, love and compassion, and as you do this you can start to see the power that they hold within them.
We are in flux, we live in a world of change, of movement and duality within our minds. I see the sun rise as another sees it fall, yet we are both wrong. Without darkness how could we ever perceive what light is, without you who I am.
While I understand that to lead we must have followers perhaps all we really need is to believe, have faith that we do. To leadfromwithin there is no need to have any followers, but yourself and your own being. Your faith that you are going in the direction that you must go. The understanding that behind you is a place that you may never, because as you turn it becomes infront of you.
There can be no balance without duality, we must understand our perspective to understand others. But we must also remember that what is in between us we may never know.
Off to the chat now, thanks for this.
lollydaskal
14. May, 2013
BRILLIANTLY STATED SIMON!
To be able to look within with truth, is to start to understand such things as faith, love and compassion, and as you do this you can start to see the power that they hold within them.
We are in flux, we live in a world of change, of movement and duality within our minds. I see the sun rise as another sees it fall, yet we are both wrong. Without darkness how could we ever perceive what light is, without you who I am.There can be no balance without duality, we must understand our perspective to understand others. But we must also remember that what is in between us we may never know.
Thanks for sharing your ever so brilliant insights!
Karin Hurt
14. May, 2013
Holding the tension is so tricky and yet so vital. The very tension that can feel overwhelming may be exactly what we need to sit with in order to grow.
lollydaskal
17. May, 2013
the tension is the space of where we bridge the balance of our daily lives.
David Hain
15. May, 2013
Great post as usual Lolly! Also love Panteli’s contribution with the Sufi quote.
lollydaskal
17. May, 2013
You are right David I also appreciate Panteli’s contribution of the Sufi quote.
rlohariwala
15. May, 2013
THESE PAIRS OF OPPOSITES ARE TWO SIDES OF THE SAME COIN BUT WE CAN NOT SEE BOTH SIDES OF THE COIN AT THE SAME TIME.DARK IS ABSENCE OF LIGHT,FEAR IS ABSENCE OF HOPE AND SO ON.LEADERS HAVE TO JUST MAKE OTHERS FORM THE HABIT OF LOOKING AT THE RIGHT SIDE.
Alejandro Clavel
16. May, 2013
Great post Lolly!
Dualities are part of life, but as you stated, we need to embrace them. We struggle when we try to be honest with our loved ones, and at the same time we don’t dare to share some truths that could be hurtful. We label those situations as “white lies” to avoid confrontation and for that our honesty gets dinged.
Best Regards!
Alejandro
lollydaskal
17. May, 2013
ALejandro
Thanks for sharing from your heart. Life is dualities and the more we can embrace it the more we can live fuller lives.
Dave Bratcher
02. Jun, 2013
Awesome assessment of how things have changed. We have the opportunity to either embrace the change or get left behind. As leaders, we can’t sit back and talk about “the good ole days”. Thanks Lolly!
Lisa
27. Sep, 2014
there is a wonderful video on this subject – the Twin Trails